Multiplex Morons
Multiplex Morons 'is the fortieth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series. Transcript ''(ringback tone) 'Woman: '''Good afternoon, (censored) Multiplex, how can I help you? '''Milton: '''Oh, thank God you've answered! Is this the movieplex? '''Woman: '''Yes it is! '''Milton: '''I need to speak to the manager, not some minimum wage floor sweeper! '''Woman: '''Hold on. '''Milton: '''Get me the manager! I don't need some snack bar ho! (line starts playing ''That Don't Impress Me Much ''by Shania Twain) '''Man #1: '''Thank you for holding. How may I help you? '''Milton: '''Yes, is this the manager? '''Man #1: '''Yes, it is. '''Milton: '''First of all, I had Shania Twain blaring in my ear while I was on hold. That is unacceptable- she dresses like a prostitute! Do you realize that? '''Man #1: '''Yes, I'm sorry. '''Milton: '''Now- I need to rent the theater. '''Man #1: '''Okay... '''Milton: '''I want to rent the entire theater for next Wednesday, three o'clock for ''Star Wars. '' '''Man #1: '''Okay, um, all rentals have to go through our, um, home office- '''Milton: '(talking over the man) Da-da-da-da-da! Mmm-DA-da-da-da-da-da! Ba-ba-ba! 'No! '''I'm not dealing with a home office! It's time for you to step up to the plate and make a management decision. '''Man #1: '''I'm sorry, it's just the way it's always been done. '''Milton: '''I need the entire theater. My son Chauncey is 15 years old, 550 or 575 pounds now, and he cannot interact with other patrons. '''Man #1: '''Alright. I understand that- '''Milton: '''He's been expelled from school, he has a violent temper, anger management problems, he belches, passes gas, and he spits at people at will. He's on medication- doesn't work. In fact, I just had to go to the sporting goods store and we had to get him a hockey mask to prevent him from spitting at people. '''Man #1: '(laughing) Okay.... 'Milton: '''Oh, you think my dillema's funny, do you? '''Man #1: '''No, I'm not. I'm sorry. '''Milton: '''I have a living hell going on here and you're laughing at me! '''Man #1: '''No, I'm not. I apologize. '''Milton: '''Okay, get your pad and paper ready- you got three seconds. '''Man #1: '''Okay. '''Milton: '''One, two- '''Man #1: '''Go, go, go... '''Milton: '''Here are my demands for the theater. Write these down- number one: I need to rope off the entire theater with security guards...to make sure no one else goes in. I can't afford the liability in case he spits at somebody or bites them. '''Man #1: '''Mm-hm. '''Milton: '''Okay, number two: I need you to unbolt between twelve and sixteen seats in the center of the theater cause we're going to be bringing in our own couch. '''Man #1: '''Okay, hold on please, I'm sorry. (line moves to someone else) '''Man #2: '''What can I help you with? '''Milton: '''Who is this now?! '''Man #2: '''Mr. (censored). '''Milton: '''And what do you do? '''Man #2: '''I'm a manager... '''Milton: '''Well, who was the idiot I was just talking to?! '''Man #2: '''I don't know...is there something I can help you with? '''Milton: '''What's that racket in the background?! '''Man #2: '''Uh...the projection booth. '''Milton: '''Well, I can't hear a word you're saying! I got a list of demands cause I'm renting the theater next Wednesday for ''Star Wars! 'Man #2: '....hold on a second, please. 'Milton: '''Holy crap! How many people am I gonna speak to at this place?! '''Man #3: '''Hello, it's (censored), can I help you? '''Milton: '''Yes! How many people am I gonna speak to over there?! '''Man #3: '''What do ya need? '''Milton: '''I'm renting the theater next Wednesday for ''Star Wars! 'Man #3: '''No, you aren't! We're not even rentin'! '''Milton: '''I already have it all hooked up. It's all hooked up. I'm renting the theater for Wednesday at three o'clock for ''Star Wars! Where can I set up the barbecue grill? '''Man #3: '''The barbecue-you can't barbecue inside the theater! '''Milton: '''No, I was told I can barbecue inside the theater. '''Man #3: '''No, you can't. That's against fire rules. '''Milton: '''No, I was told by the main office, I'm bringing my big barbecue and all- '''Man #3: '''You'll just have to take that up with the fire marshal, that's all I can say. We have to have clearance from him. '''Milton: '''No! You can take it up with the fire marshal because your home office, your district ma- '''Man #3: '''No, it's the customer's request, and that's your demand, and uh..you don't have to...clear that- '''Milton: '''Bup! Bup! Bup! Bup! Listen here, film flunkie! I'm bringing in the barbecue grill, and what are you gonna do about it?! '''Man #3: '''Well, I'm callin' the police! '''Milton: '''Dooooooh! You're scaring me! Oh! I got the Darth Vader talking helmet! '''Darth Vader helmet: ''(in distorted, cracking voice) "Luke, I am your father....May the force be with you...."'' (distorted groovy rendition of Star Wars theme plays from helmet) 'Milton: '''Listen to the high quality stereo audio! Okay, that's enough! Turn it down, turn- turning it down! Alright, plus the fact, we're bringing our pet monkey into the theater! '''Man #3: '''No, you can't. '''Milton: '''Oh yeah? Well, I'm bringing our pet monkey in the theater or else I'll take a lightsaber and jam it up your keister! ''(man hangs up) '''Milton: '''Hello? Hello! Hello!!! Trivia * The song playing when Milton is on hold is "That Don't Impress Me Much" (specifically the dance mix edit version) by Canadian musician Shania Twain. * Star Wars is an epic space opera media and film franchise by George Lucas. This call makes several references to it, such as Darth Vader and lightsabers. * A fire marshal is a high-ranking member of a fire department responsible for fire code enforcement. Category:Prank calls